Transformers The Last Knight.....rant (because fuck it)

.....So do you all remember like 10 years ago when Michael Bay took the simply designed cartoon Transformers of the ‘80s and made them into ultra-complex, shiny beings with so many moving parts they made no sense? Well, what Bay did to the Transformers themselves is what he’s literally done to the fifth film in the franchise, The Last Knight. 

This film has so much story in it, so much fucking useless nonsenical information pummeled into every single scene, that there is no room for anything else. There’s no room for nuance, no room for character development, no room for logic, emotion, or even true excitement (admittedly, Bay has never excelled at putting any of these things on camera, at least during the Transformers movies). It’s a non-stop, pedal-to-the-metal, overstuffed symphony of exposition filled with more bad moments than good. And the whole thing is executed with such a staggering over-seriousness that would make the new DC universe blush, fuck even when it attempts moments of levity, they almost always fall flat.

But no no no no no no no no no Transformers movies aren’t about stories; they’re supposed to be just big, mindless, action movies, right? Well, apparently everyone involved just forgot about that. What follows is my one an only attempt to explain this plot...Strap in.

only in 10% of the movie

So in ancient England, the wizard Merlin....(take a moment)........ so Merlin finds a Transformer ship and asks for their help to save his people. That discovery and subsequent bond with the Transformers changes the course of history, which unfolded with significant help from the Transformers .(I particularly liked seeing a battle-gray Bumblebee fighting Nazis). With the help of his robot Butler Cogman.....(take another moment)................ However, their involvement has been hidden for generations by a secret group called the Witwiccans (you heard me).

Meanwhile, Optimus Prime travels to his home planet of Cybertron to find his maker, the evil Quintessa, who wants to revive their planet by sucking the life from Earth. To do that, she’ll need to turn Optimus Prime into a bad guy and have him retrieve an ancient staff—the staff the Transformers gave Merlin all those centuries ago. Oh, and the staff that can only be found and wielded by Merlin’s last living relative, which is an Oxford professor named Viviane (Laura Haddock).

So the Witwiccans are looking for Viviane to retrieve the staff at the same time as Cybertron, with Quintessa and Prime on board, is slowly descending toward Earth. Meanwhile, the remaining Autobots have to help the Witwiccans, stop Quintessa, Prime, and Cybertron, and also fight Megatron, who is helping the bad guys as well.

Let’s see, did I forget anything? Actually, yes—a lot. You see my previous description of this mind fuck of a plot doesn’t even mention the star of the movie, Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), the new young heroine played by Isabela Moner, supporting roles by Anthony Hopkins (as the leader of the Witwiccans smh), Jerrod Carmichael (as Cade’s assistant), John Turturro (reprising his role from the first three films, thankfully he keeps his pants on this time), Josh Duhamel (also reprising his role from the previous films, but this time as a spy), and many others. That’s also without mentioning most of the Decepticons from the previous movies, other Autobots from the previous movies, new Autobots like Hot Rod, Sqweeks, and a FUCKING TRANSFORMER BUTLER character named Cogman, or the new Decepticons who are introduced and removed so quickly it’s practically like they aren’t in the movie at all.

There’s also a love story, father-daughter subplot, newly established anti-Transformer government agency, Dinobots, baby Dinobots, Stonehenge, mysterious horns growing out of the Earth, a mid-credits cliffhanger... the list goes on and on.

Yet somehow, all of that and more is stuffed into a movie that, at two hours and 26 minutes with credits, is the second shortest Transformers movie Bay has made. Trust me, though, it does not feel like it.

Hi baby Dino Bots. Don't worry your one scene didn't matter either in this.

Generally I wouldn’t spend hundreds of words of a review doing a laundry list of the plot points of a movie, but that’s almost entirely what The Last Knight consists of. The remaining screentime is just left for random insanity. For example and keep in mind this does happen, at one point Butler Transformer Cogman, who finds himself on an ancient submarine underwater with Viviane and Cade (oh right, I forgot to tell you about the submarine and underwater stuff... ah fuck it), so the butler shoots himself out like a torpedo to catch fish so the humans can have a romantic dinner, right in the middle of a big action scene... Then there’s the anti-Transformer government agency that strikes a deal with Megatron, giving him many of his captured allies back. This might sound semi-reasonable, except that they’re introduced in a long, Suicide Squad-esque roll call with their names printed on the screen. It feels completely out of place, especially when you realize they end up being completely insignificant to the plot. As is Megatron!

Award-winning actors like Turturro, and Hopkins feel totally forced into the story and utterly superfluous. Time and space is largely disregarded as characters drive from Chicago to North Dakota in mere minutes and Cybertron crashes into the FUCKING Moon with no consequences whatsoever. Characters disappear for hours at a time. All of this opens up tons of gaping plot holes, and then there are references to the previous movies that will really scramble your brain.

A perfect facial expression of me watching this.

The Last Knight is just crazy. And when you think it can’t get any crazier, there’s the third act. Michael Bay’s Transformers movies have always been known for their huge final actions scenes and The Last Knight’s is defiantly the biggest one yet. Most of the characters mentioned above come together in a scene that involves falling planets, zero-gravity, sky-diving, helicopters literarlly flying out of space ships, plenty of robot-on-robot action, a three-headed dragon.....(take another moment)..........., and more. An to be completely honet, after two hours of fucking headaches of trying to keep this story together, I actually found it nice to finally shut that part of my thought process off and just enjoy some Michael Bay carnage. There are some genuinely cool moments in there. But the epic conclusion loses its gravitas because everything that proceeded it is so unconcerned with keeping us emotionally invested.

Make no mistake: Transformers: The Last Knight is a Bad movie. Actually, it’s more like five not good movies stuffed into one. If there’s a single good thing to say about the film, it’s that its immense ambition, scope, and final set piece are... noteworthy. If only 60-90 minutes of the “story” were cut out of the movie, giving it a focus and digestible through-line that might’ve allowed for that amazing third act to be enjoyable. Instead, the end is just the insane cherry on top of a sundae of complete illogical nonsense.

.....fuck it/10

Wonder Woman Review

It would probably be easier to compare and contrast Marvel Studios and Warner Bros./ DC, in regards to where Wonder Woman stands among the superhero movie pantheon. But that wouldn’t be fair to Wonder Woman, which deserves to be judged on its own merits and not as a piece of a larger story puzzle. Simply put, Wonder Woman is magnificent, epic storytelling on a grand scale, but turns intimate in a heartbeat, swelling with emotion and vigor, and graced with a performance by Gal Gadot that has no comparison, except perhaps to the iconic work of Christopher Reeve in the original Superman: The Movie.  It can get a little slow at times, and there are moments that feel like a bit too much when simplicity would have been better served, but those are minor complaints. I admire a superhero movie that knows the gears and screws of this genre and tries to subvert them whenever possible. Patty Jenkins has made a movie about the cost of heroism, and why, for some, there is no other choice. In these trying times, I can think of no better figure to lead the way than Wonder Woman.

No one is phoning this in, either. Gadot is surrounded by a wonderful supporting cast, and Matthew Jensen’s cinematography is gorgeous, full of color when it needs to be, and during the darker sequences with World War I as a backdrop, Jensen also captures the desperation and the horror of those times perfectly. When we see Wonder Woman unleashed for the first time, it is as iconic a moment as the helicopter sequence in Superman: The Movie, and Jenkins and Gadot play it for all its worth. It’s exciting, uproariously funny, and ultimately triumphant and worth waiting for.

On Themyscira, otherwise known as Paradise Island, Diana (Gadot) grows up in the shadows of great warriors. Warriors like her aunt, Antiope (Robin Wright), and her mother Hippolyta (Connie Nielsen). An aside – I’d love to see a prequel with Wright and Nielsen kicking all sorts of ass in battle. Both of these women are strong influences on Diana – Antiope pushes her to excel in combat, while Hippolyta tries to steer Diana in moral rightness and justice. The Amazons were once great warriors who fought the evil Ares, son of Zeus, and were hidden away until the time that Ares rose again. Into this comes Steve Trevor (Chris Pine), who crashes on the shores of Themyscira, bringing news of a Great War and a dangerous weapon that could kill millions. Against her mother’s wishes, Diana leaves Themyscira to accompany Steve, sure that Ares has returned and that it is Diana’s duty to fight him. The truth, of course, is more troubling, and Diana must come to terms with her past, as well as her place in this world she knows little about, as she fights against the nefarious schemes of General Lukendorff (Danny Huston) and his rogue chemist, Doctor Maru, otherwise known as Doctor Poison (Elena Anaya).

Wonder Woman is surprisingly full of humor, but it’s at no one’s expense. It is fun to watch Diana navigate this modern world, and Gal Gadot plays her with a charisma and a naïveté that is charming. She also has very good chemistry with Chris Pine, who is just as heroic as her, but in his own way. Pine also give the film a lot of humor and heart. While Diana is ready to take the fight to the Germans, Steve is not equipped to understand just what Diana is capable of. When he figures that out, of course, is when the movie truly soars. It also helps that he has a team around him that treats Diana with genuine respect for her skills and capabilities, and Said Tagmaoui, Ewen Bremner, and Eugene Brave Rock make for a great support team.

Patty Jenkins gives everyone their dignity, and she also directs action with a fine eye and emotional catharsis. We’ve seen enough of these movies by now to know that many times, these battles have little weight because the consequences are shrunk down to nothing. That isn’t true of the action scenes in Wonder Woman. Even if we know Diana’s fate, every action sequence matters – it matters to the participants, the innocent bystanders, and it matters to the audience. The violence of the piece may be a little strong for younger viewers — this is a war movie, after all — but I admire Wonder Woman in how it finds that fine line between being honest about the nature of war, and being true to its comic book roots.

When all is revealed in the third act, we get a little bit of the bluster of the other DCEU movies, but what makes this different is that Gal Gadot is able to carry the audience through these scenes with real passion and character. She and director Patty Jenkins turn the action into an almost existential fight, one that gives this special effects show a lot more thematic and emotional weight. Wonder Woman’s struggle isn’t with a physical enemy, but the idea of war itself – as long as there is strife, Diana will show these combatants what real love and sacrifice means. This isn’t the kind of performance that wins awards, but I guarantee you, years from now, children will be running and jumping in their backyards the way they did when Superman, and Batman came out, imagining themselves to be a hero for the ages.

While this isn't the best super hero film I've seen this year (that honor still goes to Logan) I couldn’t leave this review without a little comparison, so here goes – DC, you done good. Wonder Woman is spectacular.

9/10

Pirates Of The Carribean: Dean Men Tell No Tales (mini review)

Like the ocean it takes place on, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise has had plenty of ups and downs. These metaphorical seas have been so rough, in fact, that some people don’t even remember there was a fourth film in 2011, On Stranger Tides, even though it grossed a billion dollars worldwide. I’m happy to say the fifth film, Dead Men Tell No Tales, is probably the best film in the franchise since the very first movie... even though that’s not a particularly high bar. This film definitely reminded me why I both love and (HATE) these movies.

The main reason things work is that directors Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg(Kon Tiki) take the franchise back to basics. It recaptures much of what we all loved about this franchise way back in 2003: the swashbuckling action, humor, romance, and that amazing orchestral theme. It also helps that while some of the previous films have pushed three hours in length, Dead Men Tell No Tales is barely over two. It tells a much simpler story with a strong emotional core, complete with a dastardly, scary villain. The biggest problem is, despite Dead Men Tell No Tales being so streamlined, it often ends up feeling like it’s still padding its story out.

Things start well enough. A young boy named Henry is hellbent on saving his father Will Turner, Orlando Bloom’s character, who was dammed to the sea a few films back(barely in the movie). Henry swears he’ll do whatever it takes to save his father from his curse. Later we’ll meet Carina (Kaya Scodelario from The Maze Runner and BBC's SKINS), who has similar desires. The child-questing-for-his/her-parents is a standard fantasy story, but it’s an emotionally solid one, which is why it’s so ubiquitous. It makes it easy to invest in both Henry and Carina, despite being all-new characters.

Jack still hasn't got his Black Pearl out of that bottle yet. 

Nine years later after the prologue, Henry is grown up (played by Brenton Thwaites) and still on his quest. He believes the only thing that can break his father’s curse is the mythic Trident of Poseidon and the one person who can help him find it is dad’s old friend, Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp returns to what’s come to be his signature character, and though he’s still entertaining to watch, he never quite feels like he fits into Henry’s story. He’s still dumb old Jack, chasing money and women, with little to no sense of empathy.( Side Note: 90 million dollars of this films production budget was Johnny Depp's salary. So I think he's doing just fine after that divorce.)

Henry is also driven toward Jack when he meets the evil ghost pirate Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem), who’s looking for Jack. Henry meets Carina, who is also after the Trident. There’s even the reappearance of Captain Barbosa (Geoffrey Rush), who also inserts himself into the story. All of these story beats work to keep the film moving, but also push the focus away from the emotional core of the film. More grievously, a lot of it feels much too coincidental.

While all this may sound like there’s a lot going on in Dead Men, there really isn’t. The actual story remains simple: Everyone wants the Trident, and the bad guys also want Jack Sparrow. At times it feels like all of these characters and storylines are force-fed together to pad the runtime of the movie. So despite the abundance of characters, old and new, it feels like much of the film is just trying to kill some time.

Javier Bardem and Geofery Rush save this film.

That’s the bad of the film, but there’s still some good. Even though the story can feel muddled at times, the action, music, and elaborate filmmaking never cease, and they’re worth their weight in pirate’s gold.

Jack’s introduction, for example, is one of the best set pieces in the entire series, period. I mean, it’s a literal set piece, but I won’t say more than that. There’s an execution scene that is laugh-out-loud funny (seriously), super cool ghost sharks, the marvel that is Salazar’s ship, and the fight scenes peppered throughout get increasingly more elaborate, leading into an eye-popping finale. And every time you need it, Hans Zimmer’s iconic theme sweeps up on the soundtrack. (Zimmer didn’t write the score for this one, Geoff Zanelli did, but Zimmer’s theme is still there.)

The effects are as computerized and Amazing as ever. Salazar's ship eats other fucking ships.

There’s an engaging flashback with a young CG Jack Sparrow, which explains both Salazar’s hate for him and Jack’s origin. Carina’s passion for science sets up some telling exchanges. Plus, you can’t have Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, and Geoffrey Rush on the screen in these crazy elaborate settings and not marvel at their talent. Bardem, in particular, is a very fun villain, and a worthy antagonist for the film.

As the film nears its conclusion, it manages to bring back its emotional core in ways that are both expected and not. There are some massive revelations that give a real weight to the proceedings and all of those extraneous plot threads weave back together for a very satisfying climax and conclusion.

Put all of this together, the good and the bad, and you have the fifth PotC movie. I believe you’ll leave the theater feeling more satisfied than not about Dead Men Tell No Tales. No, it isn’t always smooth sailing, but the waters are a hell of a lot less choppy than in On Stranger Tides.

Rating:.... does it matter? You already know if your going to like this or not.

Alien Covenant Review

As a filmmaker enters his twilight years, he’s faced with a twofold path. He can allow the passage of time to ripen him, reducing him to a squishy facsimile of his former and more vital self. Or he can do what Martin Scorsese did with The Wolf of Wall Street and Silence, and seize old age as an opportunity to pull out all the stops in pursuit of a grander and more shocking vision than ever.

Roaring back into multiplexes at age 79 like he’s got something to prove, Ridley Scott has handed down to us the goriest, and what’s more, the largest chapter of the Alien saga yet. The original remains the franchise’s most fastidiously orchestrated work of craft, and James Cameron’s Aliens gave the series its most cathartic action showstoppers. Covenant, to its credit and detriment, is simply the most.

How much you end up liking Alien Covenant will depend largely on what you thought of Prometheus. I personally find Prometheus far more interesting in concept than execution. The idea of answering questions about the mystery surrounding the Alien franchise coming part and parcel with those characters seeking answers about their own creation is a fascinating place to start, but does it fit in with what I personally want out of these movies? Not so much.

Prometheus is barely an Alien movie in any real sense. Giving a backstory to the creation of the xenomorph is less on its mind than exploring philosophies of religion and belief via an R-rated sci-fi lens.

Alien Covenant is much more of an Alien movie (hence the word actually appearing in the title this time), but man if you lost patience with the prequelitis aspects of Prometheus then you're going to really hate aspects of this movie. However, if all you want is a little more gory alien action then there'll be parts of this movie that'll scratch that particular itch. My issues with this movie spring from that bit of split personality.

You see Covenant is stuck between three different movies. It exists somewhere in the middle of Prometheus, Alien and Aliens. It has the weird, convoluted xenomorph backstory elements of Prometheus, much more of the likeable crew getting hunted one by one by a monster stuff that we love about Alien and some big horror action spectacle that James Cameron's sequel gave us.

To me that never mixed together to make a flawless new thing. It felt like a mix tape instead of a fresh angle on this universe. I don't have a problem with the look of the movie or the cast. In fact, the crew of the Covenant is put to much better use than the crew of Prometheus. Both movies are impeccably cast, but man do the characters from Prometheus make some boneheaded decisions for no real reason.

The crew of the Covenant start in desperation. There's an accident that wakes them up early, so it's chaotic from the first moment. Dramatically this works better and lets the characters develop through action, a choice I'm always partial to.  This crew is comprised of couples, their mission to scope out a potential life-sustaining planet and, if the data is correct, establish a colony there with a couple thousand human popsicles as their cargo and a bunch of pre-made babies in cold storage, just ready to be put into a momma.

That basic starting point means we get more of a working class central crew ala the first Alien film. They're smart and have important jobs, but they're not fancy brainiacs, so when they make some dumbass slasher cliché decisions later on it's not as insulting of a choice as when the scientists of Prometheus, you know, took off their helmets because fuck it, the air's probably fine in this alien spaceship. I could go on but I’ll leave it at that.

I like this Covenant crew. I like that Billy Crudup's Oram is a leader who isn't that great at his job. I like that Danny McBride gets a chance to stretch his acting muscles, but doesn't do so at the expense of denying us his inherently funny personality. I like that Katherine Waterston's Daniels is shown to be a fighter from frame one. I like that Michael Fassbender is let loose with not one, but two different characters, and he acts his ass off with both of them.

In fact, Fassbender's Prometheus character, David, is the thing I hold on to when I want to talk down on these movies. It's worth the eye-rolling bullshit that's in both films to get this character. In the first film his fascination with the creators of his creators made for an interesting duality. He had a childlike innocence to him, but he couldn't give less of a shit about protecting his human compatriots.

In this film he's even further off the reservation. In the 10 years between Prometheus and Covenant a lot has gone down. His fascination with the Engineers has evolved past them and to their creations. The way this ties into the series that we know is, again, interesting on paper, but kind of stupid in the over-explaining/demystifying way prequels can be at their worst.

But Fassbender sells it and sells it well enough that in the moment I was rolling with it, only to look back after the credits rolled and go “Really? They went with that. Okay...”

David is still great, made even greater by Walter, the updated version of the David synthetic that's onboard the Covenant. It's a little bit of an Ash/Bishop growth, with Walter forming a real bond with Daniels, acting very protective of her. That is mirrored by David's adoration of Elizabeth Shaw from the first movie, which has grown in this one, albeit in a pretty atypical way.

The scenes of both Walter and David together are the strongest in the movie. David sees Walter as a brother and desperately wants him to be as interested in his experiments as he is. Walter sees David is a similar light, but has a bit more of a moral compass. The temptation of Walter is the richest section of the movie. David knows Walter craves that familial connection because he also craves it.

There are some pretty righteous kills in the second half of the movie as the neomorphs run amok. Gorehounds don't get a lot of blood, but when you do get it it's very graphic. The neomorphs themselves are distractingly CG at points, but they have character, which goes a long way for me to embrace them.

The issue is that all the interesting character stuff is kinda abandoned halfway through in order to make it a scare flick with big action sequences. Instead of learning more character through these moments you instead have to rely just on what came before, which made them ring a bit hollow for me.

A big prop I give the movie is being unashamed of going not only dark, but doing so in a B-movie way. There's a lot of serious dramatic work and hard sci-fi stuff going on, but then it shifts gears to exploitation in a jarring, but ballsy way. I don't think it works perfectly, but I appreciate the swinging for the fences approach Risley Scott is taking here. I just wish it were done with a bit more care so I didn't feel so distanced by it.

There's still a huge gap between the end of this movie and the beginning of Alien, which I can't get into without a large amount of spoilers, but I can say in vague terms that it's confusing and seems to go out of its way to make it super complicated. There was a pretty clear line from the end of Prometheus to the beginning of Alien and this movie shakes that line like it's a rotten kid with an ant farm. I suppose this is so they can fit in a few more prequels, but it truly is a baffling story decision.

The actual end of this story is something I dig, but am still very confused by. I guess it's up to the sequel to make it make a bit of sense within the context of the series as a whole.

Ultimately I think Alien Covenant is going to be a divisive movie. There are things in it for most of the Alien fandom to grab on to, whether they want hard sci-fi, blue-collar space characters in a spook house or big action spectacle. So if all you want from an Alien movie is one or more of those elements they're there. If you want a cohesive whole that fits into the series you love then you might not be so fond of this one.

7/10